Separate Rooms

One day, not truthful very agelong ago, he caught himself looking astatine his look mirrored successful nan model of a mini level flying from Paris to Munich.

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Twenty-five 1000 feet below, nan Alps looked for illustration ripples of sand, tinged pinch golden by nan mounting sun. The heavy bluish entity seemed fathomless, lit connected nan sky by a agleam saffron hem, nan colour of Zen robes.

The scenery framed successful nan mini oval model conjured up nighttime and day, and nan boundaries betwixt 2 worlds: world and air. Later, erstwhile a ray went connected successful nan cabin, reflecting his weary, fuller look connected that northerly holographic screen, nan scenery told him things astir himself arsenic well.

His face, nan 1 that others had for years recognized arsenic “his,” erstwhile again struck him arsenic foreign. Every time his look seemed much alien, because nan image he retained of his ain look was everlastingly and eternally his look arsenic a boy and arsenic a younger man.

He still thought of himself and saw himself arsenic an innocent, personification incapable of doing sick aliases going astray. But nan image he saw against that illuminated backdrop was simply nan look of personification nary longer arsenic young arsenic he utilized to be: personification pinch fine, thinning hair; puffy eyes; afloat and somewhat flabby lips; and nan tegument of nan cheeks flecked pinch good veins, conscionable for illustration his father’s livid cheeks. All successful each a look suffering, for illustration immoderate other, nan deterioration and nan marks of time.

He turned thirty-two conscionable a fewer months back. He is good alert that he is not of an property ordinarily defined arsenic mature or, moreover less, old. But he besides knows that he is not young anymore. Most of his assemblage friends person joined and had children. Most of them ain a location and person a reasonably well-paid profession. When he bumps into them, connected those uncommon visits to his parents’ home—the location he was calved in, and later fled from connected nan pretext of pursuing his studies—he senses that location is an ever-deepening gulf betwixt himself and them. His aged friends salary taxes, conscionable for illustration he does. They return summertime holidays and person to insure nan car, conscionable for illustration he does. But connected nan overseas juncture erstwhile they get to talking, he realizes that they person altogether different responsibilities. He realizes that successful their respective lives they person roles that person perfectly thing successful common. As a consequence he feels much and much alone, aliases rather, much and much aloof and different. He has surgery distant from nan surroundings wherever he grew up, and lives each time detached from nan comforting day-to-day life of a mini community. He has clip connected his hands that others do not have. This successful itself makes him different. He is pursuing an creator profession, but here, too, he has small successful communal pinch his alleged colleagues. This makes him consciousness each nan much different. He has roots successful nary town. He has nary family aliases children. He does not person a location that you could really telephone “home.” Yet different difference. But what he lacks astir of each is simply a companion. He is single, and alone.

The level abruptly loses altitude arsenic it starts its descent toward Munich. He turns distant from nan model and gathers up his things. He puts distant nan book he had been leafing through, slips his glasses into their case, and puts retired his cigarette. He leans his caput back. They will beryllium rubbing down successful 20 minutes aliases so. He imagines Thomas pacing nervously backmost and distant successful nan world arrivals hall, checking his watch and nan scheduled landing times. He sees his lanky shape heading impatiently toward a statement of shop windows pinch displays of tube baccy and gaudy boxes of Havana cigars. He imagines his frayed sweater, his heavy wool jacket, his velvet trousers, his big, stout, reddish leather shoes. He sees nan acheronian pools of his eyes, his broad, relaxed smile, his warm, bony arms that will hug him arsenic they ever do and steer him firmly to a beat-up Citroën aliases Renault, parked miles away. But he cannot perceive his voice. He sees their clasp rather clearly, he picks up nan saccharine smell of his skin, he feels his feature unsmooth pinch its two-day growth, he sees his lips asking softly, “How was your trip?” but he cannot perceive nan sound aliases inflection of that voice. He sees their embrace, but he cannot consciousness it.

He heaves a sigh, eyes closed, caput still tipped against nan lowered backmost of nan seat. The stewardess leans complete and says a fewer words to him. Slowly he emerges from his reverie and adjusts nan backmost of his spot to nan upright position, fresh for landing. His eyes are unfastened again now. With an soul shudder of horror, he is erstwhile much afloat alert of what is tritely called reality, though he prefers to telephone it “the existent authorities of this dream.” There will beryllium nary Thomas waiting to meet him astatine nan airdrome pinch his dilapidated Citroën. Nor will location beryllium immoderate friend successful his place. Because Thomas, aliases astatine slightest everything connected this world that bore this sanction and everything that had thing to do pinch this name, for himself and for those who loved him, Thomas is nary more. Thomas is dead. Two years now. And he feels much and much alone. More unsocial and moreover much different.

A fewer years back, connected nan benignant of grim, grey Sunday that only nan skies of Northern Europe tin travel up with, Leo near a brasserie successful Paris pinch Michael, an American jazz musician. Michael, if truth beryllium told, was conscionable different of those expatriates who move up successful far-flung corners of nan world arsenic a consequence of discontent aliases restlessness.

Michael is simply a man of forty, heavy built, pinch a afloat beard turning achromatic connected his chin. He is much bald than not, pinch a look that mightiness beryllium champion likened to a murphy field—full of growths, pimples, and lumps. He usually wears subject trousers held up by achromatic leather braces, wool shirts, and a achromatic felt hat, Rainer Fassbinder–style. He chews connected each kinds of cigars, particularly erstwhile he gets progressive successful all-night jam sessions. By dawn, he is invariably nan only personnel of nan set still connected his feet. Leo likes Michael. He likes nan euphony he plays, too. He would ne'er dream of talking astir lit aliases accuracy pinch him, but they find plentifulness to opportunity astir Broadway musicals. And young men. One of those Sunday afternoons that look truthful agelong ago, Michael and Leo near a brasserie successful nan Marais to spell to a party. Leo met Thomas astatine that party. Or rather, Leo saw Thomas for nan first time.

They locomotion broadside by broadside done nan Place des Vosges, staring astatine nan crushed and talking arsenic if they were addressing nan cobblestone pavement. Both person their hands thrust heavy successful their pockets and their necks wrapped successful agelong scarves. The November chill is for illustration dry, invisible snowfall melted successful nan air. They scope nan building wherever nan statement is. They tin perceive euphony and hubbub wafting down into nan street. Other partygoers tally past and scope nan doorway up of them. Leo smiles and slips his limb done Michael’s. They climb to nan 4th floor. They person to debar stepping connected group who person spilled retired onto nan landing and stairway. Empty champagne bottles are rolling astir connected nan woody floorboards covered pinch confetti and cigaret butts. Inside location is crush and confusion, group dancing, group smoking dope, group drinking whisky consecutive from nan bottle. Leo pulls Michael complete to nan drinks table. A young punk woman pinch a plume of iridescent hairsbreadth dazzles him, taking flash photos pinch her Polaroid. Further in, images of nan statement capable nan TV screens scattered astir nan apartment. Some young men are filming nan statement pinch a video camera. They push done nan throng, spotlighting nan guests for illustration immoderate night-fishing expedition: successful nan beam of nan powerful light, mini darting fish, assured and quick, abruptly move phosphorescent, arsenic do handsome lobsters—elderly and inebriated, sharks, pinkish prawns, garish tropical fish, whales, dolphins, and nan overseas bream. Leo steps backmost retired of their way. He says hullo to various group he knows, pinch kisses, hugs, and handshakes. Then he yet reaches nan room wherever nan nutrient is. Two information tables littered pinch torn insubstantial plates and napkins, ashtrays overflowing pinch cigaret stubs, and leftovers. Beyond nan tables, nan drinks. He pours himself a solid of champagne, past different and a third, to get himself into nan plaything of things. The chaotic disco euphony has a vaguely African beat. Everyone is moving. Leo sways, uncorks different vessel and offers Michael a drink.

“Leo, Leo!” shouts nan host, edging his measurement toward him, hands precocious supra nan heads of nan crowd. He is dressed up for illustration a geisha. “My dear, acknowledgment for coming! Some party, isn’t it? We’ve been astatine it since past night. I showed nan movie, you know. It was a awesome hit!”

Leo hugs Bernard and compliments him connected his fiery reddish kimono. He introduces Michael to him. He makes mini talk for a infinitesimal aliases two, until Bernard is whisked disconnected by different friends, each singing his praises, and shouting his name. Someone thrusts nan camera into his hand. Bernard climbs onto a table, looks done nan viewfinder and pretends to sprout Leo. Everybody cheers. Leo giggles. Bernard yells something, past passes nan camera to personification other and disappears, engulfed by nan crush of admirers. “Let’s person a look astatine nan crazy aged queen’s film,” Leo says to Michael aft a while.

In nan throng, they elbow their measurement done Bernard’s apartment. Each room is simply a substance of styles: papier mâché columns, Second Empire mirrors and pier glasses, present and location a Bauhaus armchair, a Renaissance confessional fitted pinch bookshelves, rugs, damask hangings, tapestries, spray-painted Moorish cupolas made of polystyrene, rejects and remains from each Bernard’s past sets: reminders of his irrepressible kitsch style and his dreamlike zaniness. White statues of demigods sporting gigantic copper-colored phalluses; capitals and columns; colored plaster of Paris figures of St. Sebastian, imploring aliases sublimely absent successful nan hr of his martyrdom; successful nan windows, figures of Mary Magdalene, Christ connected nan cross, Angels and Archangels, and Thrones. They walk done 4 reception rooms until nan chattering, tipsy statement animals thins out. They still person to transverse nan workout room and nan bath earlier they yet scope Bernard’s ample chamber wherever his latest video is being shown connected aggregate screens.

In this room group are sprawled connected rugs and nan bed, immoderate dormant successful beforehand of nan screen. Leo and Michael thin against a area of nan four-poster furniture and watch nan video. After a while Michael leaves successful hunt of much alcohol.

It is conscionable astatine that infinitesimal that Leo becomes alert of personification brushing past him. From his somewhat precarious position against nan spiral bedpost, each he catches is simply a glimpse of someone’s legs passing nan reflector connected nan door—just jeans and a brace of achromatic shoes. But an irresistible impulse makes him get to his feet. He leaves nan bedroom, pursuing nan young man pinch his gaze. He stops successful his tracks momentarily, not judge whether to support up his pursuit aliases spell backmost and watch nan video. Then Michael comes back, saying he has recovered a horn to play. Making their measurement done nan guests they scope a dimly lit room filled pinch smoke. Somebody is playing nan piano. Michael picks up an aged sax and starts to blow. Leo’s eyes linger softly connected nan young man astatine nan piano. He examines him intently. He is seeing Thomas for nan first time. And arsenic if Thomas tin consciousness nan complaint of Leo’s gaze, he raises his caput and stares backmost for a divided second. Then his eyes return conscionable arsenic accelerated to nan keyboard and he starts rocking to and fro, successful clip to Michael’s rhythm. Leo refills his glass.

Some clip later Leo is slumped successful an tremendous damasked armchair, answering a Spanish journalist’s questions successful that overly polite mode that tipsiness sometimes brings retired successful him. He sees Thomas leaving nan flat pinch a girl. He feels for illustration getting up and pursuing him. He braces his legs, gripping nan arms of nan chair. But his spot fails him and he topples heavy backward. The journalist asks him if he’s penning thing astatine nan moment. A grin flickers crossed Leo’s look and he carries connected chatting astir this and that.

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From Separate Rooms by Pier Vittorio Tondelli. Used pinch support of nan publisher, Zando. Copyright © 2025 by Pier Vittorio Tondelli.