“clear As Cake”

Marvin Helgarson smoked a pipe. When he listened to us, he nipped astatine nan pipe—pah, pah, pah—the measurement that group who fume pipes do, and erstwhile he told america things astir our writing, he

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jabbed nan tube successful nan aerial for emphasis. I liked Marvin Helgarson. He was tall, not conscionable mundane gangly but gangly moreover by Minnesota standards, though that’s not why I liked him. I’m conscionable trying to springiness details, what Marvin Helgarson called “salient features.”

The people met Tuesday evenings successful nan Humanities Building library, sixteen of america wedged successful astir 2 agelong woody tables that came together successful a T pinch Marvin Helgarson astatine nan head. It felt for illustration Thanksgiving nan first night, each of america excessively adjacent together and filled pinch dread, though later, aft Marvin Helgarson explained astir perspective, I could spot that possibly that was conscionable my perspective.

“Liars and thieves,” said Marvin Helgarson to get things going. “That’s what you get pinch a room afloat of writers.” He roseate and swept retired his arms for illustration Jesus to see america all.

He meant it arsenic an icebreaker, and astir of america chuckled, but nan female crossed from maine said, “Oh dear. I didn’t cognize thing astir that”—meaning, I guess, that she had a dif­ferent thought astir writers and writing, a dif­ferent thought astir what she had signed up for. Her sanction was Wanda, and she had ample warts connected her chin and cheeks, 78 Lori Ostlund and later these warts would look connected nan characters successful her stories. We were ever tense astir discussing them, worrying, I suppose, that we mightiness publication thing into nan warts that Wanda had not intended and that she would cognize past what it was that group saw erstwhile they looked astatine her.

“Wanda,” said Marvin Helgarson, “I don’t mean writers are really thieves.” He paused, picked up his pipe, and sucked connected it. “It’s much for illustration erstwhile personification lends you a pen to use, and past you conscionable don’t springiness it back.” About lying, he said nothing.

“You’re going to beryllium moving together intimately,” Marvin Helgarson said, “so you request to cognize who you’re dealing with.” He asked for a unpaid to statesman nan introductions, and Fred Erickson, who was wearing a necktie pinch a treble clef connected it, jumped correct in, describing his family and hobbies and years arsenic nan head of a choir successful Idaho, a position from which he was now retired. Idaho seemed acold distant to me, and I wondered really he had ended up successful Moorhead, Minnesota, but I didn’t inquire because I was intimidated by my classmates, astir of whom came to field erstwhile a week for this people but were adults pinch jobs and families nan remainder of nan time.

I took a batch of notes that semester, tips that Marvin Helgarson shared to thief america pinch our writing, for illustration erstwhile he told america that sometimes nan things that seemed astir compelling to constitute astir should not really beryllium written astir astatine all. They were conscionable anecdotes, he said, overseas things that had happened to america that were absorbing to talk successful a barroom but were not literary, by which he meant that they could not “transcend nan page.” He explained this nan first nighttime of class, jabbing nan aerial pinch his tube truthful that we understood it was important, and past he said it again respective months later erstwhile we discussed nan nutty lady’s communicative astir a female who cleaned remainder stops on I-94. In nan story, nan female and her cleaning partner were finishing nan remainder area adjacent Fergus Falls erstwhile they discovered a assemblage wrong 1 of nan trash cans. The story, which was conscionable 2 pages long, chiefly a batch of boring specifications astir cleaning that established authenticity, ended for illustration this: “The female was dormant and she was besides naked. We were shocked and scared, and aft nan constabulary came, we vanished nan bathrooms and went home.”

When Marvin explained to nan nutty woman that it wasn’t really a short story, that it was much of an anecdote, she stood up. “Anecdote?” she said. “This really happened, you know. It happened to me, correct aft my asswipe hubby near and I had to beryllium astatine that occupation each greeting astatine six.” She snorted. “Anecdote.” Then, she walked out. It was late, astir 9 o’clock, and we could perceive her footsteps echoing, not only because nan building was quiet but because she was wearing skis boots.

We didn’t spot nan crazy woman again, but astatine nan opening of nan adjacent people Marvin showed america what she had near successful his mailbox: a manila letter cover pinch our stories for nan week, chopped into strips pinch a insubstantial cutter. You see, she really was crazy. But also, she’d had capable of america I think, capable of america telling her worldly astir her writing. Three weeks earlier, she’d submitted a communicative astir a female whose pussy wounded each nan time, isolated from erstwhile she was having sex. As a result, her husband, who was a farmer, sewage very tired of having activity each nan clip and told her that she needed to spell to nan expert to person her pussy checked. “I’m putting my ft down” is what he said, which made maine laugh, though I didn’t opportunity truthful because I didn’t deliberation nan communicative was expected to beryllium funny.

When nan female and her hubby spoke, it seemed for illustration they were from Ireland, but erstwhile they drove into municipality to spot nan doctor, they drove to Bemidji, which is successful Minnesota. I raised my manus and said they sounded Irish, pointing to things for illustration “lassie” and “thar” because Marvin had told america to backmost up our comments pinch examples from nan text, but nan crazy woman looked pleased erstwhile I said they sounded Irish. “Yes,” she said. “They’re from Ireland. They moved to Minnesota erstwhile they were young successful bid to person an escapade and beryllium farmers and besides because thing tragic happened to them successful Ireland and they needed a caller start.”

“I conjecture I missed that,” I said and began shuffling backmost done nan story.

“No,” she said. “It doesn’t opportunity it. It’s conscionable thing I know. I was creating a life for my characters disconnected nan page, nan measurement that Marvin said we should.”

“That’s a batch to person disconnected nan page,” pointed retired Thomas successful what I thought was a very bully voice. Thomas was besides 1 of nan older students successful nan class. The first salient characteristic astir Thomas was that his parents met astatine a nudist colony, wherever they were not nudists because they worked successful nan kitchen, chopping vegetables and frying meat. The different salient characteristic astir Thomas was that he was a minister. I knew these things because he sometimes wrote his sermons astatine Ralph’s, nan barroom that I hung retired at, and 1 nighttime we drank a pitcher of brew together and talked, but erstwhile we saw each different successful people nan adjacent week, we some felt awkward.

“But nan communicative isn’t astir them leaving Ireland,” said nan crazy woman triumphantly. “It’s about”—she paused because I conjecture moreover a crazy woman feels unusual saying “vagina” to a minister—“the symptom successful her female parts.”

None of america knew what to say, truthful we looked down astatine nan story, astatine nan segment successful which nan female and her husband, who was tired from having activity each nan time, visited nan doctor. When she was successful nan doctor’s office, lying connected nan array pinch her feet successful nan stirrups, nan doctor, who was an aged man, positioned himself betwixt her legs and called out, “Three fingers going.”

This was expected to beryllium a insignificant item I think, but Tabatha, who was a feminist, sewage mad. “That’s ridiculous,” she yelled astatine nan crazy lady. “What benignant of a expert would say, ‘Three fingers going’?”

“Doctors are conscionable regular people,” nan crazy woman yelled back. “They get tired of saying nan aforesaid things complete and over, time aft day. This expert is for illustration that. He’s old, and he’s tired. I americium showing that he’s a regular personification who is exhausted and wants to retire. I americium processing his character.”

“That’s not development,” Tabatha said. “Then nan communicative becomes astir him, astir really he’s a misogynist and is going to get sued 1 of these days for saying things for illustration ‘three fingers going’ to women erstwhile they’re successful a susceptible position.”

Tabatha was not personification I wanted to beryllium friends with, but I liked having her successful people because she ne'er disappointed me. Her first story, called “Cardboard Jesus,” was astir this feline Bart who spends each time watching television, and past 1 time a cardboard man jumps retired of nan TV and starts going connected and connected astir really Bart needs to alteration his life, truthful Bart names nan small man Cardboard Jesus. Finally, Bart gets tired of Cardboard Jesus making him consciousness bad astir his life, truthful he puts Cardboard Jesus successful nan garbage disposal. The communicative ends pinch Cardboard Jesus getting chewed up, and nan past statement is him calling retired from wrong nan disposal, “Why hast thou forsaken me?”

Most of america did not really attraction for “Cardboard Jesus.” I pointed retired that it seemed unlikely, and Marvin said, “Are we talking characteristic believability?” and I said that I couldn’t really put my digit connected it but that location wasn’t a characteristic worthy rooting for successful nan full piece. Tabatha snorted and said, “It’s not a shot game,” moreover though we weren’t expected to talk erstwhile our communicative was being discussed.

“Maybe it’s nan dialogue,” I said finally.

Just nan week before, Marvin had explained astir dialogue, really it’s expected to sound for illustration a normal speech isolated from little boring. Our dialogues, it turned out, had excessively overmuch verisimilitude. “Look,” Marvin had said. “Imagine a feline goes into McDonald’s and says, ‘I’d for illustration a Big Mac and fries,’ and past nan cashier says, ‘Okay, that’ll beryllium 4 dollars and 5 cents,’ and nan feline pays and walks retired pinch his burger and fries.” He paused. “Typical conversation, right?” And we nodded. “So what’s incorrect pinch putting that speech successful a story?” he asked.

Tabatha’s manus went up. “Why is everything ever astir McDonald’s?” she said. “I would ne'er person that speech because I would ne'er spell to McDonald’s.” She looked astir nan table. “Or Burger King,” she added, preempting nan anticipation of a mounting change.

Marvin Helgarson sighed. “Fine,” he said. “But my constituent is that this speech is only absorbing if 1 of them says thing we don’t expect, if nan cashier says, ‘No, sir, you whitethorn not person a Big Mac and fries.’ Then you person a story.”

Tabatha had started to speak, astir apt readying to constituent retired that nan cashier was doing nan man a favor, but Marvin held up his manus astatine her. “Dialogue,” he explained, “is each astir powerfulness shifting backmost and forth.” His tube had volleyed illustratively done nan air.

“What’s incorrect pinch my dialogue?” Tabatha asked, looking astatine maine and making her eyes small.

“I don’t know,” I said. Her speech was nan other of what Marvin had cautioned america about. It didn’t person immoderate verisimilitude. “I conjecture it conscionable feels benignant of biblical.”

The crazy woman raised her manus and said that location was thing biblical astir nan story. She said nan communicative was libelous, and Marvin said, “I deliberation you mean blasphemous,” and she said that she knew what she meant and truthful did God. Thomas said nothing, moreover though he was a minister, and past Tabatha announced that everyone had missed nan point, which was that “Cardboard Jesus” was a “modern-day crucifixion story.”

*

Each Sunday aft church, my parents called my dorm room, my mother dialing because nan telephone made my begetter nervous. Though only a week had passed since nan past conversation, my mother ever had plentifulness to opportunity because my mother was nan benignant of personification who conversed successful details. She began pinch who had been successful religion that morning, and who had not and why, and moved connected to what types of bars and cookies were served during nan java hr afterward, and from there, to what she planned to service pinch nan ham that was baking successful nan oven astatine that very minute. Then, she broadened retired to screen nan specifics of nan preceding week: what they had eaten for supper each night, what illnesses had beset nan town. During these conversations, I often became abrupt pinch my mother, though she seemed not to notice, for I do not deliberation that it occurred to her, ever, that I was not willing successful these details, each of them adding up to a life I did not want.

Of course, location was much to it than that. I had stopped believing successful God. I didn’t moreover cognize erstwhile it had happened, conscionable that 1 time I understood that I did not, nan measurement that you look retired nan model and recognize nan leaves are gone yet you can’t retrieve seeing a azygous 1 fall. I had told nary 1 astir this, surely not my parents, who would person said, “Well, what do you expect?” and past prayed for me, which I did not want.

“There are nary saints aliases sinners,” Marvin Helgarson had taken to saying erstwhile he criticized a characteristic for being what he had, astatine nan commencement of nan semester, called “cardboard” but switched to calling “two-dimensional” aft Cardboard Jesus. “None of america is each bad—or each good.”

Unlike Marvin Helgarson, my parents did judge that group could beryllium each good; successful fact, they believed not only that group could beryllium each bully but that they should be. My parents did not deliberation that people’s weaknesses were absorbing aliases literary. They conscionable thought that weakness led to sin.

Eventually, my begetter would request nan receiver. “Not overmuch to report,” he would say, and I would reply, “Me neither,” and past he would inquire thing wide astir my classes and thing circumstantial astir my slope balance, and arsenic he prepared to manus nan telephone backmost to my mother, he would add, “Remember, Renee, communism is Satan astatine work,” nan measurement that different parents, I imagined, mightiness admonish their children to study hard.

These were nan Reagan years, truthful galore group successful nan municipality wherever I grew up referred to communism successful regular conversation, correct alongside talk of droughts and value ceilings and each nan different evils of nan world complete which they had nary control. Still, moreover wrong nan constrictive parameters of our mini town, my parents’ fears felt dif­ferent. They saw communism lurking everywhere, down everything that was caller to them aliases unfamiliar, down everything that I had gone disconnected to assemblage and recovered myself drawn to: philosophy, feminism, poetry, my professors, moreover nan Peace Corps, arsenic I had discovered erstwhile I mentioned that I was reasoning astir applying, a revelation that made my mother cry. In nan sixth grade, erstwhile 4 of my classmates showed up astatine our doorway connected Halloween pinch UNICEF boxes, requesting contributions to thief mediocre children, my mother told them, “You tin person candy aliases nothing,” explaining, “We don’t support communists successful this house.” She held retired a Baby Ruth bar, gauging whether they were beyond salvation. They were.

That year, we had been presented pinch a caller teacher, Mrs. Keller, who was not from our town, which meant that she was an outsider, and this meant that I paid a bully woody of attraction to everything she said and did. Early successful nan year, connected a rainy day erstwhile we were each emotion restless, Mrs. Keller had tried to thatch america levitation, which we enjoyed truthful overmuch that immoderate of america went location and reported astir our nosy to our parents. I did not, for though I was conscionable eleven, I sensed that levitation was 1 much point that would beryllium regarded pinch suspicion by my parents. Nonetheless, connection came quickly backmost to nan main that we had been practicing levitation, which—it was acknowledged by astir each of nan parents—was a shape of witchcraft and frankincense satanic. We knew that Mrs. Keller had been spoken to, and for days we sat softly successful our seats, excessively ashamed to assistance our eyes, but mildly she wooed america back. Then, respective weeks later, she played a scratchy signaling of Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart,” which terrified us, and which we loved and begged to perceive again, but which, it turned out, was besides satanic, and again she was reprimanded. We watched arsenic nan joyousness that she took successful school america diminished, her spontaneity replaced pinch uncertainty, which dispersed to america truthful that we began to judge that we must opportunity thing of nan excitement we felt successful her classroom, arsenic though excitement itself were suspect.

The time aft Halloween, I sat astatine my table and watched nan 4 girls who had travel to our doorway move successful their UNICEF boxes to Mrs. Keller and report, shyly, what my mother had said, really she had begged them to judge candy bars and called them communists. Mrs.  Keller started to opportunity thing but caught herself, her first consequence giving measurement to a fewer bland comments astir nan bully deed that nan girls had done. Then, astatine nan extremity of nan schoolhouse year, Mrs.  Keller packed up her cautiously dressed up room—the maps of nan world, nan recordings of jazz and poetry, nan image of her daughter, of whom we were each conscionable a small jealous—and moved on.

*

When Marvin Helgarson asked america to present ourselves that first night, I said only that I was a humanities major, 1 semester distant from graduation. The humanities section had precocious declared a slogan—Confronting nan Ultimate Reality—to explicate what it was that we did successful nan humanities, for apparently location was immoderate confusion. I had recovered that we spent a batch of clip reference and talking astir concepts that required capitalization—Beauty and Love, Suffering and Death, Guilt and Art. We besides wrote papers astir them, and often my professors wrote “interesting” aliases “hmm” adjacent to my points, but they ne'er wrote “correct.” This was starting to consciousness stressful. It was for illustration playing Find nan Button, pinch group calling out, “You’re getting warm!” each erstwhile successful a while, but nary matter really agelong you played, you ne'er really recovered nan button.

Because location wasn’t really a button. I sewage that. I understood that nan Ultimate Reality was nebulous. Still, I was 1 semester distant from graduation, and I knew that nan Ultimate Reality was not thing that you talked astir astatine occupation interviews, to employers who wanted to cognize what applicable skills you had acquired complete nan past 4 years. Moreover, erstwhile I looked astir astatine different students, they were learning really to make spreadsheets and thatch children to read, concrete, applicable knowledge of nan benignant that you imagined group going to activity and using, while I was becoming little equipped for nan world pinch each passing day.

To make matters worse, erstwhile I visited my parents, which I did infrequently moreover though they lived conscionable an hr and 15 minutes away, they ever asked astir my occupation prospects, sometimes while I was still getting retired of nan car. “What you want is to look for a institution that’ll support you until you’re fresh to retire,” my begetter said nan past clip I visited, and I said, “Why not conscionable termination maine now?” This was nan benignant of remark that made nary consciousness to my parents, that made them deliberation I had gone disconnected to assemblage and gotten myself hooked up pinch communists. Most nights, I laic successful furniture awake, imagining myself jobless and forced to move backmost into my parents’ house, wherever we would beryllium astatine nan meal array eating overcooked pork chops and potatoes from my father’s plot while they pointed retired again and again that they were not amazed by my inability to find a occupation because cipher they knew had ever heard of specified a point arsenic humanities.

*

Tabatha and nan crazy woman based on astir “three fingers going” until Marvin said that it was a bully clip for a break. Usually, I stayed successful nan room during breaks, reviewing nan adjacent communicative up for discussion, but that nighttime I went into nan hallway and stood astir pinch nan others. I had problem getting my building consecutive earlier I started writing, and Marvin said that nan problem mightiness beryllium that I did not fig retired nan emotional thrust of my stories early enough, which was astir apt existent because, overall, I recovered emotional thrust an elusive concept, but I tin spot now that earlier I explicate why I went retired successful nan hallway, I request to explicate astir Clem.

The easiest measurement to statesman is to opportunity that Clem and I were friends, though, successful retrospect, this seems dishonest because Clem irritated maine overmuch much than he amused me, which is not to opportunity that he couldn’t beryllium funny, but this communicative will chiefly woody pinch annoyance because annoyance was nan salient characteristic of our friendship. Our relationship began because Clem was crippled—“crippled” was his word, nan 1 he insisted on—though not really because he was crippled but because he blamed everything, including nan truth that he had nary friends, connected being crippled. I befriended him chiefly to beryllium him incorrect astir people, though it’s clear now that Clem knew each on that that’s what I was doing, which conscionable proves that he was a very lonely person. I’ve ever been intrigued by group for illustration that, group who are mean and dislike everyone and do everything they tin to repel others—and past consciousness lonely astir it.

Clem was chiefly crippled connected nan near side; erstwhile he walked, he held his correct limb aloft for illustration nan Statue of Liberty and pulled nan remainder of his assemblage toward it. He told maine that earlier nan mishap he was diversion but shy, that he gravitated toward solitary sports for illustration play and running. He was jogging erstwhile nan mishap happened, nan greeting aft his precocious schoolhouse graduation, and he laic connected nan broadside of nan roadworthy for complete 20 minutes until a motortruck driver spotted him because nan car that deed him had conscionable kept going. He recovered retired months later, aft he came retired of his coma, that nan car had contained 4 of his classmates, each of whom had been excessively drunk to moreover recognize what had happened.

The mishap turned Clem into a wholly dif­ferent person. He told maine this 1 nighttime arsenic we looked done his elder yearbook, and I wondered—though did not ask—whether he remembered being that different person. I assumed that he did not, for it seemed to maine that if he did remember, he would still be him.

“Do you deliberation I’m good-looking?” he would inquire aft a fewer beers, a mobility that I refused to reply because I knew that it was a trap, knew that either reply would corroborate what he already felt astir people, which was that we were cruel, insincere, and stupid. The mishap had near him disfigured, though—except for immoderate scarring connected his face, which he partially concealed pinch a achromatic beard and sideburns—disfigured successful a measurement that was not truthful overmuch disfigured arsenic startling. His lingua appeared excessively large for his rima and often lolled outside. The truth was that he looked for illustration personification parents would instinctively move their children distant from.

His encephalon had been damaged successful a measurement that caused him to comprehend everything arsenic upside-down and backward, truthful that what he saw arsenic a 6 was really a 9. Over nan years he adjusted by learning to constitute truthful that nan words appeared upside-down and backward to him, a process that was slow and messy. The assemblage provided immoderate assistance successful nan shape of students who typed for him, but astir tired of him quickly because he chiefly dictated things that were pornographic, for illustration nan first communicative he wrote for class, astir a cattle named Bessie who had ample udders but besides a penis. He called nan communicative “Bessie nan Hermaphrodite Cow, No Bull,” and thing really happened successful nan communicative isolated from that Bessie had activity nonstop pinch some bulls and cows. When it came clip to critique nan story, cipher said anything, not moreover nan crazy lady, and yet Marvin did a line-by-line critique of nan punctuation, which he said was “creative but astatine likelihood pinch nan story.”

In nan twelvemonth that Clem and I hung retired together, I took him to expert appointments, shopped for his groceries, and listened to him rage. I drew nan statement astatine doing his homework, which he ne'er did himself and which meant that he grounded each of his classes and had been doing so, to nan champion of my knowledge, since he enrolled successful assemblage 3 years earlier. His parents called maine erstwhile they wanted to cognize really overmuch money he had near aliases whether he was “keeping his spirits up” because they were acrophobic of him. I met them only once, connected his birthday, erstwhile nan 4 of america went to Mexican Village and he made his mother outcry by announcing that she smelled for illustration “crotch rot.”

Clem ne'er missed an opportunity to propose that he and I person sex, posing nan question—always—in nan astir vulgar of terms. Thus, while Tabatha and nan crazy woman based on that nighttime astir nan gynecologist, he was difficult astatine activity connected a image of nan 2 of america arsenic naked instrumentality figures, which he branded “Three Fingers Going.” He slid it crossed nan array toward me, and it took maine a infinitesimal to understand nan drawing, not only because it was poorly sketched but because it made nary consciousness to me—there successful a library, surrounded by books and group talking astir words. As I ripped it up, Clem said, “Just truthful you know, earlier nan accident, I wasn’t into fat, disfigured chicks.” For nan record, I wasn’t really fat aliases ugly, but I wasn’t precisely retired of nan woods erstwhile it came to fat and disfigured either. Still, I knew that nan abrupt anger I felt had little to do pinch nan words themselves than pinch nan realization that I was sick and tired of Clem.

*

Out successful nan hallway, respective of my classmates were opinionated astir smoking and eating cocoa Easter eggs. Marvin erstwhile told america that we should usage circumstantial nouns, that alternatively of penning “candy,” we should opportunity precisely what benignant of candy—chocolate Easter eggs, for example—but he besides told america to usage specifications to found clip and setting, truthful I recognize now that group are going to deliberation that this happened astatine Easter, but it was really respective weeks aft Easter and Melinda brought nan eggs because she was tired of seeing them successful her freezer.

Nobody acted amazed that I was joining them successful nan hallway that night. Melinda offered maine an egg, conscionable arsenic she did everyone else, and I stood adjacent to her, unwrapping it and reasoning astir what to say. “I liked your communicative astir nan drummer whose drum group falls retired of nan backmost of her truck,” I told her.

She narrowed her eyes, not because of what I had said but because she was taking a resistance from her cigarette. “Thanks,” she said, blowing retired smoke.

Sometimes Melinda wore leather to class, truthful I asked her whether she had really been successful a band.

“Sure,” she said, arsenic though I should person known nan communicative was astir her.

“Why’d you stop?” I asked.

“You publication nan story,” she said.

“Couldn’t you person bought caller drums?”

“Well, yeah,” she said. “But that’s not really nan point.”

I nodded, though I didn’t really cognize what nan constituent was. Finally, I said, “I’m sorry, but what is nan point?”

She smoked for a moment, and I felt amended because it seemed past that possibly she was not judge of nan constituent either. This was 1 of nan advantages of smoking. It gave you nan chance to deliberation astir what to opportunity adjacent without making it evident that that’s what you were doing. “I conjecture nan constituent is that sometimes you scope a spot successful your life wherever you conscionable want things to adhd up astatine nan extremity of nan day.” She took different drag. “Do you cognize what I do now?” she asked.

“No,” I said, worried that she had mentioned this during introductions nan first night.

“I support nan books for nan beet plant. Every nighttime earlier I spell home, I adjacent retired nan books for nan day, and I make judge that everything adds up. If thing doesn’t adhd up, I enactment until it does. It’s very gratifying—to spell location each time knowing that everything has added up.”

I nodded because I could spot really this would beryllium gratifying. In precocious school, I had been enamored of math, and it shocked everyone—friends and teachers and family—when I declared my volition to awesome successful thing other entirely, thing that progressive “reading and nan world,” an inexact phrasing that reflected really small I understood of what I was after. Math came easy to me, excessively easily, and successful my romanticized position of nan world, this had struck maine arsenic a problem.

Around this time, nan results of a artillery of aptitude tests to which I had submitted began rolling in, each base nan aforesaid news: that I was destined to go an technologist aliases a statistician aliases an accountant, careers successful which things were meant to adhd up. I soon stopped showing these results to my parents, who were already bewildered by my earlier announcement and could not ideate reference arsenic an extremity successful itself aliases what benignant of surviving this would provide, but eventually, nan results, each caller 1 mirroring nan others, had begun to interest maine also, for I thought highly of tests, believing them almost infallible. Finally, 1 of them dealt a chaotic card, concluding that I was uniquely suited to beryllium a wood ranger, nary uncertainty because I had responded agreeably to questions astir solitude and moving alone. Still, this came arsenic a awesome alleviation because location were fewer things that willing maine little than nature, which meant that nan tests had nary much penetration into me—or my future—than I did.

Of course, I did not opportunity immoderate of this to Melinda that nighttime extracurricular nan Humanities Building room arsenic she said of things adding up. I simply nodded, she vanished her cigarette, and we went backmost to class. But nan truth was that I had recovered myself missing mathematics terribly: nan logic and asymmetrical beauty of nan equations, nan straightforwardness of nan signs and symbols, unequivocally urging maine to adhd aliases subtract aliases divide.

In fact, I missed it truthful overmuch that I had enrolled successful a calculus class. Nobody knew, not my parents, who would person felt vindicated, aliases my humanities friends, who would person seen it arsenic a betrayal. The professor, Dr. Dillard, was a bladed man successful his forties pinch a wont of thrusting nan chalk into his receptor and twirling it nervously, only to go flustered erstwhile it nary longer worked connected nan board. He regarded students arsenic his earthy enemies, and erstwhile we asked questions, which we did often since his explanations lacked clarity, he prefaced his arsenic hazy clarifications pinch nan words: “Am I school complete and utter imbeciles?” We dealt pinch this nan measurement that students mostly woody pinch specified things. We hated him.

Thus, erstwhile he arrived 1 greeting respective weeks into nan word pinch his zipper open, cipher said a thing. We fto him guidelines up location astatine nan board, penning retired equations and delivering his incomprehensible explanations pinch his alert not conscionable undone but gaping for illustration a quiet mouth. We did not laugh, but astir apt astir of america took immoderate pleasance successful nan situation, until yet an older man from Togo raised his manus and said successful a kind, almost apologetic voice, “Excuse me, Doctor, but your zipper is not closed.” He had a French accent and a low, buttery voice, which made moreover nan connection “zipper” sound appealing. Dr. Dillard asked nan man to repetition what he had said because he had problem knowing nan man’s accent. Actually, what he said was “I can’t understand a damn connection you’re saying,” and nan man from Togo repeated it, enunciating and speaking much slow but sounding conscionable arsenic benignant and sensuous arsenic nan first time.

It was clear that Dr.  Dillard did understand then, for he turned quickly astir and stared astatine nan equation that he had been moving retired for america connected nan board, stared astatine it while we stared astatine him. He did not speak aliases scope down to hole his alert aliases effort successful immoderate measurement to move nan business along, and finally, aft 10 minutes of unspeakable silence, we understood that people was over, and though we each hated him, I judge that successful that infinitesimal we felt sorry for him, sorry for really mini and hunched he seemed, for nan measurement that he stood pinch his backmost to us, staring astatine an equation that had mislaid its meaning.

Dr. Dillard arrived for nan adjacent people pinch his zipper up. He stood astatine nan beforehand of nan room and announced that we would statesman pinch a quiz, which we each grounded because nan quiz was complete worldly that we were expected to person covered during nan past class. When he handed nan quizzes backmost to america aft nan break, he did truthful successful a frenetic, almost jaunty way, moving up and down nan aisles and announcing our grades—“Zero, zero, zero”—loudly earlier tossing nan quizzes down successful beforehand of us, and I realized past that moreover successful math, things didn’t ever adhd up. Sometimes, location was conscionable 1 broadside trying to beryllium greater than nan other.

*

After people that night, Clem acted arsenic though I were going to thrust him location arsenic accustomed and past beryllium astir watching him get drunk while listening to him explicate that nan world was made up of assholes, but erstwhile he started lurching aft me, I turned and yelled, “Find your ain measurement home,” and past I walked distant accelerated while he shouted aft maine that I hated cripples. He knew that I hated that benignant of thing: screaming and nationalist arguments and having strangers look astatine me, look astatine maine and deliberation that it must beryllium existent that I hated cripples because location I was, moving distant from one. Instead of going home, I went to Ralph’s, which I had been avoiding because of thing that had happened location a mates of weeks earlier, and though it was astir apt conscionable an anecdote, it was an anecdote that astir collapsed my heart. It had to do pinch this aged man who spent each nighttime astatine Ralph’s, doing nan splits for anyone who would bargain him a drink, which, it turned out, was a batch of people. After I watched him do nan splits 7 times successful 2 hours—and portion 7 drinks successful those aforesaid 2 hours—I’d gone complete and asked him really aged he was.

“I’m seventy-six,” he said, holding his manus up and wiggling nan thumb and scale finger, arsenic though seventy-six were an property that could still beryllium conveyed pinch fingers.

“Wow,” I said unconvincingly. “You must beryllium successful very bully health.” I did not really cognize really to talk to aged people.

“Yes,” he said proudly. “I’m successful cleanable health.” He proceeded to show maine a agelong communicative astir really he had been diagnosed pinch a bad liver conscionable six months earlier. He imitated his expert telling him, “You’ve sewage to springiness up nan booze,” and past he told me, pinch a wheezy chuckle that made his chemoreceptor squirt, that he had not fixed up nan booze because he liked nan booze. Instead, he had prayed astir his liver earlier he went to furniture 1 night, and during nan nighttime God came and performed room connected him, really fixed his liver while he was asleep.

“But really did you cognize that God operated connected you?” I asked because really would you cognize specified a thing?

“I’ll show you,” he said triumphantly. “I knew it clear arsenic barroom origin erstwhile I woke up location was humor successful my agelong johns, and I’ll show you what else—I sewage correct retired of furniture and did 10 push-ups. I had nan power of a horse.” He neighed, which made his chemoreceptor squirt immoderate more.

Honestly, I did not want to perceive astir nan humor successful his agelong johns because proceeding astir it made maine image it and picturing it made maine queasy, particularly connected apical of his squirting nose, but I thought astir really lonely he must beryllium to show specified a point to a stranger. I bought 2 pickled eggs because that was nan only nutrient disposable astatine Ralph’s astatine that clip of night, and we sat astatine nan barroom to eat them, his teeth clacking arsenic he chewed. I wanted to inquire him astir nan look he had used, “clear arsenic cake,” which I had ne'er heard before, but I didn’t inquire because I suspected that “clear arsenic cake” was thing near complete from an earlier life.

Two boys came complete past pinch a changeable of vodka, and he astir fell disconnected his stool pursuing them. I did not want to watch him do nan splits again, particularly now erstwhile each I would beryllium reasoning astir was nan humor successful his agelong johns, truthful I left, but from outside, I could still perceive nan laughter and clapping that meant he had made it down to nan level again.

*

When I sewage to Ralph’s, I sat astatine nan barroom and nan bartender who had dished up nan pickled eggs that nighttime came down to wherever I  was sitting. I ordered a brew and tried not to consciousness bad astir moving distant from Clem, and erstwhile nan bartender group my brew successful beforehand of me, he said, “Did you perceive astir Elmer? Died past nighttime successful his sleep.”

“Who’s Elmer?” I asked.

“Old feline that does nan splits,” he said. “Elmer.”

“Oh,” I said. “I cognize Elmer.”

Some humanities friends waved from a booth for maine to subordinate them. “Elmer died,” I said arsenic I sat down, and they said, “Who’s Elmer?” conscionable nan measurement I had a fewer minutes earlier. “He’s that aged man who ever did nan splits,” I said conscionable nan measurement nan bartender had because erstwhile it came down to it, that’s really everyone knew Elmer. For astir people, doing nan splits was Elmer’s salient feature.

“Well, he was old,” said 1 of my friends and nan others nodded.

I don’t cognize why this made maine angry. It wasn’t that I didn’t deliberation Elmer was old. He was old. I conjecture I conscionable felt that what they were saying was that dying didn’t mean thing erstwhile you were old. I wanted to show them astir really Elmer believed that God had operated connected him successful his sleep, astir nan humor successful his agelong johns and really he said “clear arsenic cake” because he’d erstwhile had a family, group who each sat astir saying “clear arsenic cake” without ever having to explicate themselves because “clear arsenic cake” meant thing to them. I wanted them to understand that he wasn’t conscionable immoderate aged feline who did nan splits for assemblage students.

Instead, I went location and wrote my last communicative for Marvin Helgarson’s class. In nan story, an aged man named Elmer does nan splits—which I tried, unsuccessfully, to alteration to chin-ups and past cartwheels—in an unnamed barroom celebrated pinch assemblage students who bargain him drinks. Agatha, nan main character, is majoring successful math, and she saves Elmer by realizing that he has amnesia. She finds his family, who, it turns out, has been looking for him for 3 years, and erstwhile she calls them, she knows she has nan correct family because erstwhile Elmer’s boy describes nan time that his begetter disappeared, he says, “I retrieve that time arsenic clear arsenic cake.” In nan last scene, Agatha drives Elmer to his family’s house, moreover though he doesn’t really want to go. This takes astir of nan day, and erstwhile she gets backmost to field for her mathematics class, nan professor gives a popular quiz, which she aces moreover though she did not person clip to study because of driving Elmer home. The communicative ended for illustration this: “Agatha felt nan knowledge taking style wrong of her, becoming a portion of her, and past spilling onto nan page, everything adding up.”

When we discussed nan communicative connected nan past nighttime of class, Tabatha instantly raised her hand. “First of all,” she said, “amnesia’s specified a cop-out.” She looked astatine maine arsenic though I had offended her successful immoderate very individual way.

“Okay,” Marvin said. “Can you explicate what you mean by ‘cop-out’?”

I did not really want her to explain, but she said, “It’s specified a cliché. Plus, Elmer’s conscionable immoderate aged feline who’s going to beryllium dormant immoderate day, truthful it really has to beryllium Agatha’s story.”

“And you don’t deliberation it’s her communicative now?” Marvin asked.

“It is, I guess. I conscionable don’t for illustration her.” She turned to maine and said, “Maybe your life is for illustration this, but cipher wants to publication a communicative astir immoderate Goody Two-shoes who ever knows what to do. I deliberation nan communicative would beryllium amended if Agatha drinks excessively overmuch because she doesn’t cognize really to thief Elmer, and nan adjacent greeting she wakes up, and she doesn’t retrieve anything.”

“So she should conscionable beryllium location having a bully clip while Elmer does nan splits until he dies?” I said, moreover though we were not expected to talk while our communicative was being discussed.

“Okay,” Marvin said. “What else?”

“I for illustration nan activity stuff,” said Clem. We had not spoken since I ran distant from him nan week before.

“What activity stuff?” I said.

“When she’s reasoning astir nan humor successful his agelong johns,” Clem said.

Marvin jumped successful then, asking what nan communicative was about, and personification said, “It’s astir aging, I guess,” and Marvin said, “Is it?,” nan measurement that teachers do to support nan chat going. Someone other said that it was astir property versus youth, aliases possibly hope, aliases knowledge, and erstwhile Marvin asked maine what I thought it was about, I said, “I don’t know. Compassion, I guess,” and Tabatha looked astatine maine arsenic though I’d said it was astir chewing gum.

“There’s nary compassion,” she said. “She conscionable pities him. They’re not nan aforesaid thing.”

“Go on,” said Marvin, but she shrugged arsenic though location was thing much to say.

“She conscionable wants to consciousness bully astir herself,” Clem said, astonishing everyone, I think, because he mostly restricted himself to making lewd comments. I knew that by “she” he meant maine and that Marvin Helgarson possibly knew this besides because he did not inquire Clem to explain. Instead, Marvin said that people was over.

*

That was nan past clip I saw Clem, though I deliberation astir him from clip to time. I image him sitting successful Marvin’s people semester aft semester, different student, ever a woman, shuttling him location afterward, watching him portion and failing him successful nan aforesaid measurement that I did because I understand now that nan kindest point I could person done was to show Clem what he already knew: that I would not person activity pinch him because he repulsed me, that I didn’t moreover for illustration him.

I sewage a B- successful Marvin Helgarson’s class, which didn’t astonishment maine because I knew by past that I had nary business being a writer. In his last comments, Marvin Helgarson said that my main problem was that I was really too good a student, that I had followed each 1 of nan rules and, successful nan process, I had “suffocated” my story, which was nan measurement it worked successful writing. I ended my stories arsenic though it were nan reader’s day and I had tied everything up successful a front and handed it to nan scholar for illustration a present. Readers, he said, liked to fig things retired for themselves, but it seemed to maine that if personification had publication nan full story, they would want to cognize really things turned out: that I did not move successful pinch my parents aliases subordinate nan Peace Corps, that I moved alternatively to New Mexico, wherever my scheme was to hide astir nan Ultimate Reality and spell backmost to studying math, that I someway imagined this would beryllium easy and everything would commencement adding up. But it was for illustration Marvin Helgarson said: sometimes, you thought you knew what your characteristic wanted and past you sewage to nan extremity of your communicative and realized that you didn’t understand this characteristic you had created astatine all.

__________________________________

Excerpted from ARE YOU HAPPY? by Lori Ostlund. Copyright © 2025 by Lori Ostlund. To beryllium published connected May 6, 2025 by Astra Publishing House. Reprinted by permission.