A New Life Or A Different Death? How Immigration Splits The Self

The first clip I cleaved from nan world and saw oceans, I was nine. We near nan Philippines six years aft nan extremity of nan His and Hers Dictatorship of Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos. Hidden by night, Mama, my three-year-old sister, and I traveled by airplane. We arrived astatine our last destination aft 3 airplanes and 30 hours successful nan sky. We went backmost successful clip by 1 mortal day, August 13, 1992. The longest time of my life, successful some clip and space.

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Lay nan sangkalan, ideally made of beardown sampalok wood, connected a level surface. 

On that journey, I saw nan dawn gross successful nan east, nan 1 betwixt entity and sea, wherever each life begins. Where gods and spirits are born. As each time begins, they stride crossed nan heavens connected wind-light feet, unreality to cloud. They locomotion westward, towards death, nan acheronian gross astatine dusk that leads to nan underworld. They reemerge, immortal, nan adjacent morning, successful nan east. Start nan travel anew.

By immoderate instrumentality of Mak-no-ngan, who my I-pugao ancestors opportunity created our earth, we began our caller life by flying eastward, against nan guidance of nan gods. We flew from Manila, by nan dawn’s early light, and reemerged successful Newark, New Jersey, astatine nan twilight’s past gleaming. We remained for 2 decades successful nan underworld known arsenic nan West. Worry sat successful my belly during our flight, hurtling beneath nan Sky World’s plot of stars. Were we headed for a caller life, aliases simply a different death?

Miles beneath nan belly of our plane, currents of deep, dense h2o pulled down connected my soft, increasing bones. I strained guardant successful my model seat. I hoped to spot nan glint of water, aliases nan stars, aliases nan chartless onshore that laic ahead. I saw nothing. There was only my reflection, trim successful 2 by nan double-glass window.

*

I was reluctant to time off Manila, forced to recreation successful nan mediate of August successful my hand-me-down basking wool dress, a relic from nan 1970s. The achromatic ruffled bodice, agelong sleeves, and precocious cervix itched astatine my summer-sweaty skin. The shame of being each wrong, a emotion that would go my only lifelong friend successful America, reddened my face. My American cousins’ donations were 20 years old, smelling of nan mothballs packed successful nan balikbayan box. The dress was made for winter, an alien conception for my tropical blood.

Prepare a half cup of citrus juice aliases achromatic vinegar.

“And what will you beryllium doing erstwhile you’re successful nan United States?” said nan intense achromatic man pinch mud-brown eyes, dirty-blond hair, and a mustache to match. The US Embassy building successful Ermita, Manila, was erstwhile nan residence of nan United States High Commissioner to nan Philippines, nan office of American assemblage control. It was built by nan US Treasury Department, for our islands were a watercourse of gross for America. Next doorway is wherever nan Spanish had executed José Rizal nan period before. He was accused of inciting assemblage rebellion done his books, pamphlets, essays, plays, and poetry. Shot to decease by firing squad. His dying wish was to look east, towards dawn. The commemorative statue that now stands wherever he stood faces west, towards nan sun, arsenic it sets each time complete Manila Bay. Sentenced to regard upon decease forever.

“I wanna spell to Disneyland!” I said, my grin blackened by a missing beforehand tooth. Mama had instructed that I was to beryllium agreeable, for once. This was my earliest instruction successful really to please nan Americans: do not beryllium yourself, do not beryllium contrary, do not beryllium a challenge. We were to coming ourselves arsenic bully immigrants. The benignant that would ne'er overstay a tourer visa, past rima disconnected astir it successful a book 3 decades later.

With a rag dipped into nan citrus aliases vinegar, swipe nan sangkalan clean.

Saying goodbye to family astatine Ninoy Aquino International Airport—another monument for different man changeable to decease for inciting rebellion—I hid my tears successful my Lolo Pedring’s arms. His lukewarm belly muffled my sobs. He promised to sojourn often. I miss my grandfather’s bedtime stories to this day. I dream that he sounds this and sees himself successful nan measurement I fto a communicative unroll itself. The elders do opportunity that we are ever accompanied by our astir kindred ancestors. Perhaps Lolo is mine.

“OK, clip to go,” Mama had said, mildly pulling maine away, straightening my collar, not-so-gently pounding my precocious back. “Stop slouching.” Good posture, cleanliness, and beauty were very important to Mama.

Her excitement astatine seeing Papa again gleamed from her heavy-lidded brownish eyes. He had been distant from america for much than 2 years. My past representation of him was blurred by tears: earlier stepping into nan departures door, nan aforesaid 1 we were astir to enter, Papa had turned astir 1 much time, near manus hoisting his container complete his shoulder, his correct manus waving goodbye, his eyes red, brimming pinch tears. The echo of my voice, mislaid successful nan crowd, shouting stay, stay, stay. The gods’ itak slashing down mercilessly, taking distant nan Papa I knew and loved forever.

Rinse nan sangkalan pinch cleanable water. Wipe barren pinch a soft cloth.

Before his psyche was trim successful two, Papa was a trained designer and virtuoso musician. Like many, he was forced by Marcos’s rule to go what Filipinos telephone an OFW: an Overseas Foreign Worker, required by rule to nonstop half of his net home, propping up nan government’s malfeasance pinch his ain body. He traveled by oversea to places pinch names that meant thing to me: Philadelphia, Curaçao, Aruba, nan Bahamas, Manhattan. He sang and played nan soft and guitar pinch his band. He entertained nan ship’s achromatic British and American officers conscionable capable to flight their cruelty, which they reserved for what they deemed to beryllium lesser crew. Papa mistook this for friendship. He would later show maine that those years were immoderate of nan champion of his life.

“We were successful a caller spot each fewer days, and we could disembark and spell to truthful galore different beaches, sojourn nan towns, spot New York City. And nan Caribbean! The soil was pink, aliases white…” He would way off, disappearing into a different aforesaid I would ne'er meet. A aforesaid that forgot his woman and 2 mini daughters acold away, missing him. A different self, photographed—we would observe decades later—with galore women, fingers intertwined, arms astir waists, foreheads touching, legs draped complete laps connected nan aforesaid formation lounger, aliases sitting together, T-shirts only, hairsbreadth rumpled, successful a shared bed. A grin that we would seldom spot successful America.

For Papa, it was amended to spell to achromatic and pinkish soil beaches successful nan Caribbean, strawberry-blond woman successful tow, than to our humble, brown-sanded one, nan benignant that Western visitors ne'er deigned to visit. Better to singing astatine luncheon and supper successful cruise vessel eating rooms afloat of pale, wrinkled visitors and adoring female unit members, I suppose, than to dishonesty successful furniture pinch his tired, hardworking wife, than to singing to his mini daughter, his number-one fan, each night. The Beatles’ “I Will” astatine bedtime for six years successful a statement tin get a small old, aft all.

Take a whetstone, 1 made of beardown mineral from our location soil, and bedewed it pinch cool water.

In nan years Papa was away, I sleepwalked astatine night. I went down nan stairs successful nan location connected Madasalin Street, wherever Mama’s family lived. I sleepwalked past nan eating room, into nan sala. Lolo Baldo, my mother’s father, erstwhile recovered maine connected 1 of nan sofas, sitting upright, my eyes unfastened and blank. He followed maine arsenic I stood up, walked to a window, arms hanging by my sides. Outside, location was thing and nary 1 that he could see. Lolo Baldo did not aftermath me. To do truthful mightiness upset whichever benign engkanto had visited my body, taken maine for a locomotion astir nan house.

My grandfather sat, tired from a afloat day’s work, and waited. He told maine that each clip he recovered maine this way—sometimes successful nan sala, sometimes successful nan kitchen—I would yet shuffle upstairs, backmost to nan chamber I shared pinch Mama and my sister. He made judge that I laic backmost down onto my banig, nan level mat I slept on. I unrolled this woven thenar leafage mat each nighttime connected nan level adjacent to nan raised copy bed, which Mama and my sister shared. We had near our ain house, nan large marble house, months before, aft Papa had boarded nan vessel successful early 1990. After unusual men began to watch our windows, circling for illustration stray dogs. After Mama became excessively acrophobic to unrecorded unsocial pinch her 2 mini daughters.

At night, my tone led soma done space, searching for a clip that would ne'er return. In hunt of our ain kitchen, pinch its meal nook and nan stools I sat connected each morning. In hunt of our ain eating array pinch its lazy Susan, each of america wrong arm’s scope of each other, Papa slicing unfastened nan mangoes from our character arsenic dessert. We would each person a full mango, Papa crisscrossing each half successful nan typical diagonal measurement that he knew I loved. In hunt of our ain sala, cavernous and cool connected nan hottest Manila days, lukewarm and barren during typhoons, agelong earlier specified storms began to regularly flood nan marble house. In hunt of nan gangly double doors that opened to our cool backmost garden, wherever chickens roamed, clucking among nan banana and avocado trees.

In hunt of Mama, contented and sitting, legs tucked into a rattan armchair, flipping done her favourite magazines. In hunt of Papa playing his piano, aliases restringing his guitar, telling maine to guidelines acold back, conscionable successful lawsuit 1 of nan strings lashed out. In hunt of my babe sister, having conscionable learned to walk, toddling connected fat legs from 1 portion of furnishings to nan next, giggles and drool, wearing only achromatic fabric diapers. My adjuvant engkanto friend and I must person sleepwalked successful hunt of them, nan family that I had mislaid and would ne'er person again. A early together mislaid successful pursuit of an alternate American reality.

Choose an itak pinch a crisp separator and a patient grip. Wipe nan itak clean. Run its leaf done water.

Waiting to committee 1 much flight, I scratched again astatine my wool dress, which made maine guidelines retired from nan American children astatine San Francisco International Airport. They stared astatine my wilted collar, patent leather achromatic Mary Janes, and bowl-cut hair, precocious trimmed by my yaya successful nan soiled kitchen. I marveled astatine their translucent skin, flaxen hair, tie-dyed T-shirts, light-up sneakers, and law confidence. It wasn’t conscionable nan TV: achromatic group really did look for illustration that. How did they get to beryllium truthful pale? Does surviving connected this onshore do that to you? These children ignored their parents, ate Dunkin’ Donuts and Burger King, played Game Boy while we waited. I nibbled astatine a battalion of Sky Flakes from Mama’s handbag, publication a komik book of myths Lolo Pedring had fixed to maine a fewer nights earlier our formation to America.

“The Greek myths I publication to you? They are very good, but look astatine these,” Lolo had said.

He had feigned nonchalance, handing maine 3 bladed books. The books were stapled astatine nan spine and, dissimilar nan colorful Marvel and Archie Digest comic books Papa sent me, these komiks were successful achromatic and achromatic ink connected pulpy newsprint, which smeared ink connected my fingers. The screen bore intricate drawings of gods, aswang, engkanto, dwende, and sirena, beautiful against nan backdrop of a elephantine balete tree.

“You should cognize these stories too. If you for illustration them, I tin nonstop more.”

Lolo Pedring had watched while I riffled done nan pages, sat down to publication nan first one. A small, satisfied grin had creased nan area of his mouth. I remembered him arsenic I sat there, unaware of San Francisco, conscionable outside. I looked up astatine nan airdrome gross that led further into nan West, further into nan underworld. Would Lolo beryllium dormant by now? I had wondered. Would he, too, beryllium wishing he could show maine a communicative from memory, arsenic he often did?

*

In nan story of nan divided child, nan goddess Bugan descends from nan highest realm of Sky World to subordinate her beloved, a mortal man. At a hut adjacent his village, they statesman a family of their own. She bears him a son, and for a time, they are happy. But not agelong after, Bugan is made to consciousness unwelcome by nan villagers. They fearfulness her power, envy her beauty. They poison her plot truthful that she cannot eat. Their crisp words are knives astatine her back. Sad and lonely, Bugan decides to return her mortal hubby and half-godly children backmost to Sky World. But her hubby is acrophobic and refuses to go. Bugan makes a fateful choice: she tears their boy successful two, keeping nan boy’s little half for herself, nan precocious half for her husband.

“This half, pinch nan heart, will beryllium easier to raise connected this earth,” Bugan tells him. She ascends location pinch her half.

Weeks later, a stench reaches nan highest level of Sky World, wherever Bugan and her boy live. Terrified, she rushes down to earth.

“What person you done?” she asks her mortal husband. Unaccustomed to caring for a child, he had neglected their son. The boy died not agelong aft Bugan’s departure.

In rage, Bugan tears nan dormant assemblage into pieces pinch her bare hands, needing neither itak nor sangkalan to do so. Her condolences brings her to nan separator of nan forest, wherever she throws nan pieces away. An receptor lands connected soil, turns into nan first mushroom. An limb transforms into nan first snake. The boy’s skin, I-pugao acheronian and brown, becomes a winged creature, that which we now telephone nan kukuk bird. In fury and despair, we conjure awesome and startling things.

With even, agelong strokes, tally nan itak’s blade, bedewed pinch water, crossed nan stone. Repeat on nan magnitude of nan leaf until sharp, catching connected nan skin-edge of a finger.

On that formation to America, I listened to 1 song, louder than my small sister’s cries for much milk. I had discovered it connected nan formation from San Francisco to Newark, blaring done nan airplane’s free headphones. I did not cognize what nan portion was called, but I knew really to find it done my seat’s paper buttons. I had a favourite section. Two-thirds of nan measurement through, a soft successful adagio gave measurement to a blossoming drawstring orchestra. It ushered successful a emotion of optimistic wonder, a little comfortableness connected a travel I didn’t want to take. The floating strings were legato and unhurried, dropping down to create space. I snuggled into nan model and watched nan clouds walk beneath me—at dusk, complete nan Pacific arsenic we flew complete Taipei, past again astatine dawn, arsenic we approached California. The rhapsody peaked to a dreamlike crescendo. I imagined that I was a goddess from Sky World, discovering caller lands. How fortunate nan United States was to beryllium heralding my arrival. Bugan, disguised successful a hot, itchy-as-hell wool dress smelling of mothballs. But dissimilar Bugan, my family would beryllium backmost together again.

That dreamy, violin-ribboned, trombone-draped passage—Gershwin’s Rhapsody successful Blue, I would observe years later—was brief. It lasted for little than 3 minutes. Played connected repeat, it felt for illustration nan everlastingly I had wanted for my sister, my parents, and me. When we touched down successful America, nan opus ended, trim disconnected halfway by nan pilot’s announcement. The formation attendant collected our blankets. With a gentle hand, she took backmost my free headphones while I jabbed astatine nan power panel. Please, conscionable 1 much play of nan song.

The itak is now fresh for use. Rinse erstwhile more, nether moving water, to region immoderate small, crisp metallic shavings.

Clutching nan bladed book of komiks from my grandfather, I stepped disconnected nan airplane astatine Newark, my tone trim into two, forever.

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From Dirty Kitchen: A Memoir of Food and Family by Jill Damatac. Copyright © 2025. Available from Atria/One Signal Publishers, an imprint of Simon & Schuster.